phantom of my soul

AN ALARM.......memoirs of a petrified soul episode 2

2008-06-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I had this strange dream...one of those erratic bloodcurdling ones that make your blood escape through your veins…there was a unspeakable screaming sound…. an echo that kept blistering though my ears …someone died..

I still remember my friends' departed bashful gigglings and chitchats, those scatterbrained moments about people a long time ago who became muddled distant shadows, dyed with blushing cheeks of a blossoming love & retiring smiles…of our small talk. It was that fresh sentiment itself that sprinkled its fragrance all over…

Life peels our sensitivity as we keep wearing ourselves out like machines, but blazing reminiscences keep us alive. Old pictures turn in to live images & I’m standing in the middle, a clueless child untainted by the dreadful pain of existence.
What’s that screaming though???

I suddenly woke up crying I’M NOT DEAD. I wasn’t scared, but I really thought I was dying, sweat tramping all over my face, my hands shuddering from panic, a blue baffled stripe of terror running though my veins. Am I ready to let go of myself??

How to be the Man of the People…..??

2008-06-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

1)Conscience = failure …..Those tiny scruples can ruin your prolific career….just ignore them.

2)Citizens = brainless kids, who definitely need your guidance. This is what I call matriarchy, if they wet their pants, they’re grounded for life. That’s why you should dictate them what to do, because for sure you know what’s good for them better than they do.

3)The street is definitely definitely YOURS. I mean streets are extremely dangerous places to let your kids out these days. Before striding them out anywhere, defence should be speckled all over the globe – NOT FOR YOUR SAKE of course- but for their own precious safety. Think of what could happen to them if they don’t bear in minds your priceless advice- especially that they don’t have any .

Memoirs of a peeled orange...episode 3..based on a true story last semester

2008-06-09T23:26:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with that horde of criminals under the disguise of students...? How am I supposed to handle them, seriously, especially those absent-minded freaks, with their drowsy looks and wobbly eyes…come on…too much to tolerate…should I report them? Whenever I witness them, scrappy thoughts of suicide, drug addiction; heroin, joints…whatever damaging thoughts suddenly cling to my mind
I am finicky most of the time, friendly, not the kind of person that screams or yells at students. NEVER, trying to do my best, convincing myself that they might be like my brother after all… (Gotta tell u…my brother might be a little kinky, but not a villain…NO...those are real life villains that banged out of a fright movie) …scrutinizing, freaking crafty looks scanning me all the time.
I don’t question my abilities as a teacher, because I have other classes and we’re perfectly happy together. Yesterday, I was quite enduring and all right from 9 am…till 2…till I really lost it. They were actually having the time of their lives driving me mad….that’s it, I felt the earth swinging around me, all their talks, even the pleas of the only decent human being blundered to shrieks. I picked up my things, scurried out of the class room, switched off my mobile, and burst only a few steps after I descended the stairs…

Prayers of a petrified soul

2008-05-31T02:19:00.000-07:00

As I lay in my sullen slumber, my mind kept thinking over & over about the "tied knot". Have I stranded too far from mine? Have I let it go? Did I give up everything that I believed in so easily….?
The two" tied knots" are faith & deeds. I've spent a lot of time to uncover the first, dwelling somewhere in my heart and hold on to it. I don't question my beliefs, but I do question my performance. I've been through utter happiness once before….the feeling of being so close to God, the strength within that shield from sturdy winds, surrendering to providence. But sometimes, it just fades away; your belief is not shaken, but the utter feeling of vigor and contentment disappears for a while. I had tribulations before and I was strong. Why did this change?? Having a little dilemma brings some debauchery within me; a kind of contempt. It scares the hell out of me. Staring at my murky, broken image in the mirror, I try to persuade myself that I'm not petrified, but deep down I know I'm lying….I'm frightened… from my own self....God you're my shelter
" Send forth your light & your truth..let them guide me"

A pillow of winds...Pink Floyd

2008-01-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

A cloud of eider down

Draws around me softening the sound

Sleepy time when I lie

With my love by my side

And she's breathing low

And the candle dies.

When night comes down you lock the door

The boot falls to the floor

As darkness falls the waves roll by

The seasons change

The wind is warm.

Now wakes the owl, now sleeps the swan

Behold a dream, the dream is gone

Green fields

A cold rain is falling

Near the golden dawn.

And deep beneath the ground

The early morning sounds and I go down

Sleepy time in my life

With my love by my side

And she's breathing low

And I rise like a bird

In the haze and the first rays touch the sky

And the night winds die.

"potrait of Mario"...Modegliani.... a pounce of emotions

2008-01-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

Caller of the night

2007-12-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

It was a faint gusty night, the air smelt sappy from the departing rain drops. They were all crammed outside his room… waiting. Somehow they felt the time has come.
Outside it was getting murky, as they sat down in their black dresses and mourning slushy faces. It’s strange how all those women, her sisters, knew he’s leaving. When she found them outside her door at the crack of dawn, she couldn’t dare ask them why they came. One way or another she felt something vanishing inside her, as she noticed their dark faces. Could it be some mystic dream, where he packed his life and waved goodbye?

I’ve always wondered how Death sneaks to pinch life; it seemed a kind of betrayal. YES betrayal; a sudden alarm whispering “hey you, we’re leaving today for another existence”. I was sleeping beside my grandmother …her life blistering. We talked of my grandfather’s strange departure. She knew her hour has come, “but I cannot tell” she said. As she squeezed me tearfully to her, her jolly eyes and glitzy face said it all. There was a flaming desire to be with God…it was his love that shined through her heart.

Over > 30

2007-12-12T04:27:00.001-08:00

It's been long time since I sensed the rain squashing my skin. I've always loved its tumbling on my locks. But life has pinched every sensation I’ve ever had, till I stumbled upon you in a blistering moment

It had been raining like today…I felt I've stumbled on a cup of coffee or a scorching hot chocolate that was just the perfect thing at the end of a wintry day. I had just finished work, was dragging my hefty bag and life seemed like an endless circle of torment…a clock ticking incessantly. I thought it was impossible to break this routine prison. I was never fond of slipping and falling down in public…something happened at that moment though, it wasn’t just about my legs. As I opened my eyes, the first thing that comes back to me is your brawny hands smoothly touching mine and lifting me up….

Was it love from the first sight? Or was it just the pitiable spinster attitude??Is it even possible?

Tribute to my grandmother

2007-12-09T04:22:00.001-08:00

When I conjure up subtle moments dwelling in my memory, I always think of you; the way your tender tiny hands tapped on my shoulders. I recollect your soft face; a squashy air of charm blazing from its tiny wrinkles despite the tramping of all those years. But most of all, it's your lullabies that lives through me; that pious sheikh from Morocco who migrated to Upper Egypt, his cheerful eyes and reddish face that captured the young girl- his neighbor's tiny little daughter. The spark of love that brought their hearts together; it was something more powerful that love from the first sight; it is fate.

My grandfather was stringent and tough. Yet, behind this outer shell of remorse, there was a slender hint of the delicate heart within. It was only you who shattered the veil, and he loved you more than he could tell. His eyes shined through your blushing flimsy face.

Love meant something more than just a buff of smoke that stroke the hearts suddenly. It was a prayer that echoes and sprinkles its fragrance in the air. Deep down he felt your heart leaping as he walked in to the room; your flushing bashful smile that was more expressive than any words.

As she lay now in her bed, blue, ill and ready to depart this life, the remembrance of him came to her; how she said goodbye with a warm kiss on his blue cheeks as death sucked the blood out of them. She missed him as she laid her head on the soft pillow. Yet somehow she felt so close to him; her crumpled cheeks still blushing as she goes to meet him.

memoirs of a peeled orange " episode 2"

2007-12-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

I think I’m getting plump…
Since the day I was born, I’ve been on diet. I was never fat…perhaps a lit chubby…I'm slim these days, but it’s winter which means:
1) I feel so damn frigid
2) I’m too down in the dumps to ignore chocolate
3) Fading in to despair
4) Thinking about the changes that I’ve been through lately…becoming a bit cantankerous and stressed out...

Time ..PinkFloyd

2007-12-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again.

The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way

The time is gone, the song is over, Thought I'd something more to say.

memoirs of a pealed orange

2007-12-03T12:46:00.001-08:00

Have you ever known what is it like to be a teacher??

Well…the best way to do it is to lose your soul…”YES; LOSE YOUR SOUL”… gradually finding yourself turning from a human being to a rudimentary soul…and finally you end up as a roasted sausage..

Week1: you’re charming; still sympathetic; a bashful, pink-blushed girl

Week2: your human side begins to retreat gradually...By the end of the week, you turn in to a chubby grungy villain “till this moment you’re still classified under the human species”.

Week 3: at this stage, the brain malfunctions “slips of tongue…lapses of memory “ by the end of the week, you’ll probably forget you name” …speaking as if there is a chocked frog somewhere in your throat…don’t expect to become a frog, rather a cockroach squashed under the mercy of a tattered shoe.

Week4: …u become a body without a soul, roasted or grilled, squeezed in a sandwich …served like a pealed orange …whatever shape you’ll become, you’re strained astounded in to nothingness.

today's rambling

2007-12-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

These days I’ve been trying to clutch the bits and pieces of my life together…Life is all about ups and downs. I’m going through debauchery these days…it’s not that I’m acting viciously...” I haven’t reached that yet”. It’s the feeling of being unreconciled with me; perhaps on the verge of abhorring myself. I feel something is slashing my skin… I do pray, but these days I feel I lost the feeling itself “inner peace”… I’m petrified from myself. I ‘m becoming another person… scrappier, going under and can’t get rid of it…I don’t have nightmares or scary stuff in my dreams. I’ve always had fascinating, hopeful dreams. I’m definitely in no doubt about my beliefs, but there is something wrong with the “self” itself. It’s trying to tramp over my soul and I’m too jam-packed in routine that I have no time to exchange blows …God has always been my shelter; since I was a child. I’ve talked to him; flinging all my burdens behind because I knew that he will always be there for me. I miss him these days and I miss my old self… L ..Still I know I’ll find my way again as long as you’re here in my heart.

Random thoughts of a distracted mind ( episode 1)

2007-11-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

I’m reintroducing myself….if u wonder why?? Well I had a blog before...But guess what…at one of those moments of sheer insanity; I erased it from the face of the planet “I started my ex-blog a year ago”. Sometimes I feel a bit crazy...” some scruffy thoughts of guilt still linger in my mind”. It’s just a matter of time till I come to my senses again. I just felt bogus…It wasn’t bringing those scrappy feelings to the outside, but wrapping them deep down under many layers …Am I being too emotional... too dramatic??… Perhaps. I’ve been in to acting ever since I was a child.

Age 3: watching too much series…getting to imitate a blind girl …crashing in to walls…an immense power of destruction to different objects .

Age 7: getting to know Hans Christian Anderson… Had plenty of choices this time…ranging from the “ugly duckling” to “the little mermaid”.

Age 10: Dickens. Dickens... Dickens….loved David Copperfield; felt Oliver Twist is kinda stupid…developing a great admiration for villains: Vagan was my idol.

Caution: If you stay on this page, you’ll have to bear my nutty rambling ….( to be contiued..)